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Savva Smith: Have you ever wondered why some relationships are rock solid while others crumble at the slightest conflict? Why are some individuals so magnetic that it's almost impossible to even think about leaving them? How can we transform into such a captivating person? Drawing from more than five years of mentoring experience, i can assure you that one secret to maintaining a lasting bond lies in effectively managing conflicts, a skill which can leave your partner hopelessly hooked on you. However, try it carefully. This approach is incredibly potent and through my practice, i've observed that most people consider conflicts or heated arguments as typical components of a relationship. We often fail to see the underlying power dynamics at play during these conflicts that, if unaddressed, lead to breakups. Allow me to shed light on this hidden mechanism with an example.
Savva Smith: Let's consider one of my clients, James, a bright young man from rural England fresh out of university and finally dipping his toes into the corporate world. James was overjoyed when he landed a job at a prestigious bank, but while James thrived in the corporate world, he found his personal life lacking. Despite his success at work, james often found himself alone in his apartment A stark contrast to the lively camaraderie he was used to during his university years. This loneliness and a certain emptiness within him became more evident as the novelty of his new job began to wane. Eager to feel this gap, he turned to online dating. His genuine nature and openness quickly caught the attention of Kate. She was worldly, had her share of heartbreaks and saw James as a stepping stone to her next relationship. But James, naive and smitten, was oblivious to this. Their first conflict was fairly minor and occurred after four months of dating. James arrived five minutes late for a date which resulted in Kate making a scene. She was quite rude. James, thinking he was at fault for causing such a reaction over a seemingly trivial matter, apologized. Kate accepted this apology, admitting that it was just five minutes, and she even said sorry for being rude. However, james felt uneasy for the rest of the night. Later he tried to make amends for his mistake by buying her flowers. With everything seeming alright, james believed he was on the right track.
Savva Smith: Three weeks later, they had dinner at the restaurant and during their conversation, james checked his phone, causing a fury in Kate. You're not paying enough attention to me, she said. Oddly enough, she was often glued to her phone. James tried to justify himself, explaining he needed to respond to his mother. Yet he apologized again, hoping for a compromise. Kate said some harsh words and this time she didn't offer an apology. The following evening, james cooked dinner for Kate, which seemed to restore the relationship back to its normal state, or so he thought. James later admitted to me that he actually felt that something is happening. He just wasn't sure what. He was trying to stay positive, but what he was actually feeling was the shift in the power balance between them which occurred during poorly handled conflicts, and the more Kate pushed him, the more boundaries she tried to push.
Savva Smith: The next time And usually when working with clients, i post them and continue their story. With practice, the end will be obvious to you as well. You might think there was a third conflict, but there wasn't. The next time, james proposed a date for their following weekend. She said she couldn't make it She had to help her relatives. But she promised to suggest a date the next week. When she didn't reach out, james started to feel anxious and message her on Thursday. Her response came after a couple of hours. She claimed to be busy, but affirmed her interest in meeting him. Gradually her responses dwindled until she simply started ghosting him.
Savva Smith: You might think this story is a bit over the top. If so, you're fortunate. I, however, hear such stories all the time. The first conflict was a significant threat flag, a conflict or a heated argument this early in dating is a predictor of massive future problems. Let's delve deeper into what was really happening and how you can better navigate such situations. Each conflict was actually a power struggle, with Kate testing James and trying to assert her dominance. The moment she felt victorious, her interest began to wane. With each conflict, james was sleeping into a weak position while Kate gained control.
Savva Smith: Some individuals are doing it consciously, but usually it's an unconscious activity. We're not really planning to dominate you, it just happens. So the preferable option is to skip such individuals as early as possible and to not waste your time. But I want to demonstrate you that, with the right approach, even such a relationship can be maintained and your partner will be afraid to lose you. So one of the effective ways of handling the first conflict was to say something like okay, it was not correct for me to be late. I had a reason for that. But yeah, it was not correct, but the fact that you raise your voice, i do not see a partner beside me, a girl who talks to me like that. So we acknowledge when we've made a mistake.
Savva Smith: However, we also clearly and confidently establish our boundaries, and I want to underline that we do not use phrase I'm sorry. It doesn't mean we should act as a bad person, it's just. This phrase is a very weak phrase. It usually means nothing. Think about it. How many times have you heard it And how often has the same mistake been repeated? Admitting it was not correct for me to do this carries a lot more weight. Typically, upon hearing this, they seize their aggressive behavior.
Savva Smith: However, if your partner continues to escalate the conflict, persistently pushing your boundaries, it signifies a serious imbalance in your relationship. It could be because they are deeply problematic, manipulative, or they've become accustomed to you addressing conflicts from a position of weakness. They may believe you're not serious and decide to raise the stakes When they push harder. The only choice is to push back equally hard. In such cases, you might say okay, we'll talk when you've calmed down And then gradually seize communication.
Savva Smith: I would recommend initiating no contact immediately. This doesn't mean ignoring them. Rather, you should avoid initiating communication. This approach will help maintain your strong position and save you a considerable amount of stress. It will also clearly demonstrate that your boundaries are not to be overstepped. They will be left to reflect on their behavior and work towards making amends. Typically, such no contact lasts a week or two, not much really.
Savva Smith: Addressing the second conflict is even easier when you're clearly in the right. Being late for a date may be seen as a gray area, but when you are correct, you can plainly state that such behavior is unacceptable to you. Again, you can tell them that you do not envision a future with someone who behaves in such a way. Then observe their reaction. However, if they permit themselves to behave extremely rude, if they make a sin in public, if they criticize you, especially in front of others, if they push your boundaries further, only drastic measures and actions can restore the balance Immediate breakup, instant Zero tolerance for such behavior. We simply do not have time for this. We have greater goals to achieve.
Savva Smith: With such a person as our co-pilot, success is unlikely. Can you imagine a pilot on a plane arguing with his co-pilot, or a co-pilot starting a conflict with a pilot As a passenger? what would you think? So, when you're striving for a successful life, not only those who slow you down are detrimental to your success, but even those who do not positively impact your progress, those who do not boost you, who do not instill confidence or strengthen you Again. If you want to give them a second chance, you can initiate no contact, and if they truly want to be with you, it is their turn to fight for your attention. Usually, if you start no contact proactively, the time range is significantly reduced. Often it is no more than a month.
Savva Smith: By demonstrating your consistency and resilience against their misbehavior, there is a serious chance they will back down. You may even be able to maintain a relationship of somewhat average quality. They will fear losing you. You should understand that such individuals are often accustomed to others tolerating their antics. The moment they encounter someone who will not tolerate their nonsense, they become intrigued. I wouldn't call this love, perhaps intrigue, passion or lust. Have you ever experienced a similar situation? How did you handle it? Share your story in the comments below to help others navigate their relationship challenges. And if you are still watching, here is the most important thing I want to say to you. If you, too, are having conflicts when everything in your life is relatively stable no economic crisis, no sickness, no war, no immediate danger many people assume that when difficult times hit or when children enter the picture their partner will change their behavior and show support, but practice shows the complete opposite. They either make your life hell or outright leave you. I wish you to become stronger today.